Getting Back To Normal? Steps to help your kids cope.

July 25, 2021 by Dr. Gordon

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A colleague recently shared that it has been one of the worst years in memory at sleepaway camp.  Kids who have loved going to camp for years are suddenly home-sick and crying.  Other kids who never had behavioral issues are breaking rules.  The counselors are exhausted, and the staff feel overwhelmed. 

What is going on?!?!

Isn’t COVID over? We’re together again! Masked, sure, but, in-person!

It is easy to forget that our emotions don’t just reset after a trauma as if nothing happened. It can take time to grieve and return to a sense of safety.

When any animal is in an emergency – and in this analogy, we are the animals – it goes into emergency coping mode.  The Fight-Flight-Freeze system activates, adrenaline rushes in, muscles tense, higher-level thinking shuts down, and it does whatever it has to do to survive.  When the crisis ends, and safety returns, a wave of exhaustion hits as adrenaline ebbs, injuries are assessed and begin to be felt, and logical thought returns.  Suddenly, things HURT.  Now, if you think of the months since March 2020 as the emergency, and summer as the return to safety, it begins to make sense that it’s been a tough summer at camp for many.  

We’re suddenly supposed to go back to “normal”, but what is normal now?  More importantly, have we spent time acknowledging what happened, and may continue to happen?  The disruption of normal routines, missed vacations, lost days of school, friends who moved away, classrooms that disbanded, family who died or were sick, and, most fundamentally, the lost belief that everything was going to be ok.

Of course, many kids are doing fine, had a good time at camp, and are happy and functioning well. But if your child is struggling, seems to be more angry, unhappy, or scared than usual, how can you help them?

  1. Talk about it.  I know this seems simplistic, but often we are so caught up in surviving that we forget to discuss and reflect on our experiences.  We need to talk about feelings with kids, and let them talk about their feelings.  Talking helps restore the brain and the body to equilibrium, sending the message that there is no immediate threat and it is safe to focus on other things.
  2. When your child does share feelings, validate.  Say things like, “It has been hard this year. It’s ok to feel sad or scared sometimes. Let’s talk about it.” 
  3. Be careful about gratitude.  It is important to acknowledge privilege, and be grateful for things that have gone well for you or your family, but sometimes focusing on gratitude can lead to invalidating loss.  For example, if your child is angry that their best friend moved away, telling them to be grateful they get to go to camp sends the message that it is not ok to be sad about the loss of their friendship. 
  4. Validate yourself too.  When someone asks how you are, try saying something like “It’s been a hard year, even though I am grateful to have been able to work,” instead of “I’m still working, so nothing to complain about!”
  5. Seek support. Playdates for your kids and for you.
  6. Get back to as much of a stable and predictable schedule as possible.  When we know what is going to happen next, we all feel safer.
  7. Call in the professionals. If you have tried the steps above and if your child is crying or having tantrums more than once or twice a week, it may be time to get some extra support from a child psychologist or other mental health professional.