When Good Isn't Good Enough

Does your teen stay up until midnight doing their homework?  

Do they burst into tears when studying for tests?  

Does their hair, or clothing, or bedroom have to be “just so”? A stressed looking woman in front of a computer

Does it seem to you like they just don’t smile as much as they used to?  

They may be struggling with perfectionism, a subset of anxiety and OCD.

We want our children to achieve, to study hard and learn, while also having friends and a social life. When anxiety is healthy, it is motivating without being paralyzing. It encourages people to strive while maintaining a work/life balance that includes friends and fun.

But sometimes healthy anxiety can tip over the edge, into perfectionism and panic that cause real suffering. When perfectionism strikes, a 94 on an exam feels like a 49. The anxiety tells you that if things aren’t perfect, you’re a complete failure. It may make you feel like making a mistake is a dangerous catastrophe. With that kind of internal pressure, everyday homework becomes life and death, and a small social interaction may feel like the end of your social life.  

Every action takes an outsized effort, and the impact on mood and functioning can be devastating. 

So what can you do as a parent? 

  • Listen. Just listen. Sounds kind of obvious, I know, but too often we jump in to fix things as parents. If you’ve tried to make recommendations and problem-solve with your teen, then you’ve probably learned the hard way that it often isn’t what they needed. So if you don’t want a slammed bedroom door, try listening, not fixing.
  • Validate. This means saying things like “that sounds really hard,” “I’d be upset about that also,” “I can see what you mean.” You might feel like arguing the teacher’s perspective, or trying to get your child to be more rational, but what they need from you is to see their pain and understand their very real emotional distress – even if the thinking behind that distress seems irrational.  
  • Express Confidence. While you are validating their feelings, remember to tell them that you believe in them. Try something like, “that sounds awful. I can totally see why you’re stressed. I know you can handle yourself, but is there anything I can do to help you?” Just knowing you get it and care can be enough to help them get unstuck.  
  • Seek Help. Not every stressed-out teenager will need therapy, but perfectionism, anxiety, and OCD don’t go away by themselves. If the anxiety is intense, constant, and enduring, then it can lead to depression – even suicidal ideation. Ask your teen if they’d like to talk to someone. If they say yes, Gordon Therapy Group is here to help. 

Contact us at info@gordontherapygroup.com