After a long day, you ask your child (let’s call her Abby) to get off their iPad to get ready for bed. Abby either doesn’t hear you, or pretends not to. You ask again. Still no response. So frustrating! You have to get your other kids to bed and you want some time to yourself at the end of the day. What do you do? If you’re like most parents, at least some of the time the answer is either giving up on bedtime, or yelling. If you do either, what does Abby learn?
- The way to get what I want or to express frustration is to yell.
- She can ignore your commands because there’s a good chance you won’t follow through.
Children learn behaviors through their environment. While everyone loses their cool sometimes, it’s important to know that the more you yell, the more you teach your kids to yell.
On a different evening, Abby follows through with your request the first time you ask her to get off the iPad. You’re in a rush and Abby is doing what you want, so you move on to the next part of the bedtime routine without comment.
The message this time is:
- Abby gets more attention when she doesn’t follow directions. If a child doesn’t get positive attention from their parents, they will prefer negative attention (yelling) over nothing!
Another night, another chance to get it right. Abby is on her ipad. You go in, touch her on the shoulder, make eye contact, and give her a 5 minute warning for bedtime. Five minutes later you come back, make eye contact again, and calmly ask her to turn off the ipad. If she does, you praise her, “great job listening! Now we have time for a book before bed”. If she doesn’t listen, you count to five, out loud, then ask again. If she STILL doesn’t listen, you use the parental controls on your phone to turn off the ipad remotely, or turn off the wi-fi. When it’s off, you calmly remind her to get into pajamas and get ready for bed.
Sounds hard? It can be. But the beauty of parenting is you have 365 nights a year to practice, and our psychologists at Gordon Therapy Group are here to help you. We know you want what’s best for your kids, and that in real life that’s not always easy. In parent-training therapy, our job is to coach you into being the parent you want to be, improving your relationship with your child, their behavior, and the whole family’s daily experience.